You’ve been trying to push away these feelings for a while now.
Your boyfriend reaches for you, and you flinch and pull back. Is something wrong with you? With him? The sex? Or is it something bigger?
You find yourself lost in daydreams… people you’re surprised to be thinking about this much.
Happy hour with the girls from work is somehow the best part of your week and simultaneously the most excruciating as you battle the feelings burning in your chest. You feel the excitement and energy there, and at the same time, an inner voice yells, “SHUT IT DOWN!”
It can’t be right, can it? That you’re in your thirties and just now asking these questions? Feeling childish and ashamed, you wonder how you could have missed that exploratory phase you saw others go through in high school or college.
You’ve always considered yourself an ally but never thought any of it applied to you.
When you acknowledge these questions, you’re gripped with fear.
What would being gay or bi mean for your life? It feels like everything you’ve built so far is suddenly sitting on quicksand.
Thoughts run wild with catastrophizing scenarios, imagining the shock on other people’s faces, the disappointment, the rejection.
Yet now that you’ve started to think about your sexual orientation more, it’s a bit like a run-away train!
You’re distracted at work, at home – losing your keys and missing deadlines. Your body is tense and anxious as you scroll on your phone, trying to find answers. People notice that something is off, that you’re not yourself.
The irony is that maybe you haven’t quite been your full self yet at all.
Many things may have blocked you…
… from connecting fully with your sexuality and sexual orientation in the past:
Growing up in a conservative religious setting…
Not having had queer role models…
Lacking words to describe your experience…
Constantly being exposed to homophobic and biphobic media…
… or having experienced trauma that disconnected you from your body and desires.
And, sometimes, your sexuality simply changes over time.
Camila* knows this struggle all too well.
“Don’t most people figure this out when they are younger?” she wonders, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
She always thought she was happy in heterosexual relationships, but now her stomach twists with uncertainty. Things have changed recently, making her reassess this “given.”
Her mind floats back to some intense and confusing college friendships… and to that one drunken make-out session… and to all the other times she felt a bit squirmy and intimidated, unable to look a woman in the eye… and the porn she chooses might be saying something, too.
Could it be true that she’s secretly been afraid and hoping that they wouldn’t be real if she just ignored these feelings? Has she just been suppressed this whole time?
She can’t escape the feeling that her whole world will implode if she gives in to this line of questioning.
“What would this mean? For my family? Friends? My job? My partner? Am I going to ruin everything? But that sounds so homophobic… and that’s not me!”
She’s shocked at her thoughts, and the idea of looking deeper makes her feel lost, scared, and alone.
Camila hasn’t realized yet that she’s actually coming into closer contact with herself than she ever has before. While the mountains of fear and doubt are very real, these questions also represent an opportunity to open up to greater levels of confidence, joy, embodiment, intimacy, and pleasure.
Are you ready to understand your inner truth?
Enjoy a safe, nonjudgmental space…
There can be a lot of pressure to decide, label, and get it right. But this process of questioning and exploring is actually vital to your self-understanding. You deserve a place where you can be exactly where you are. No pressure. No big deal. I am here as a compassionate listening ear, and together we will cultivate a sense of safety in your own body that will anchor you through this process.
Explore your questions with privacy and support…
It’s natural to want to sort through these questions on your own before you make any big changes. But privacy doesn’t have to mean being alone. Together, we will connect to the honest feelings and impulses you notice in your body and practice expressing them in words, movements, and other creative ways. I will support all the different parts of you in coming forward to share their piece and offer guidance in choosing the next right step for you.
Unwind old learning…
We are all products of our environment, and sometimes making more space for ourselves means examining what we’ve absorbed unconsciously. We will gently look at your past, what has influenced you, from family members to movies, and start to build new embodied narratives that are true and uplifting.
Discover what’s true for you and your body…
Sexuality is an EMBODIED experience! You can learn to listen to your inner sensations, feelings, and desires without filter or judgment. Movement and art exercises can offer a playground for you to practice this inner listening and align it with your outer self-expression. Let’s make hiding a thing of the past.
Cultivate inner strength and confidence…
There may indeed be a difficult road ahead of you, and you won’t want to embark unprepared. Together, we will identify your natural resilience. As you gain clarity around your identity, you will feel that shaky foundation start to solidify into a solid, steady force.
“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
– Anais Nin
Let today be that day.
Whatever you discover, I will be right by your side the whole time.
Be brave. It will be worth it!
Schedule your free consultation today to talk about how I can help.
*The above name(s) and story is a composite narrative and does not reflect an actual client.